


Never Be Mine

by Tsavorite



Category: IT (1990), IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged up characters, F/M, M/M, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, Sadness, The Others Are There I Just Didn't Mention Them In The Story, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 09:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17825849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsavorite/pseuds/Tsavorite
Summary: "But I would watch you, I would watch youTurn and walk awayYes, I would watch you, learn to love youAnd her, too, if you'd only stay,”





	Never Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first posted fic in this fandom and second overall. Please be kind.

        Eddie's crush on Bill was not a secret. The entire club knew about it fairly quickly. Well, all except the man himself. Somehow, Bill never noticed the stares or the clinginess that the others picked up on so easily. When they were just kids, Eddie was one of Bill's only friends. The stuttering freak and the girly boy was a match made in heaven. So they stuck it out together and faced everything that came their way as a team. With Bill at his side, Eddie was fearless. At the time, the way he felt about Bill was something he didn't have a name for. Later, he might describe it as adoration or affection or maybe even lo-

 

        As time went on, Bill became less of an outcast. He and Stan joined the baseball team (the Losers never missed a game) and as a result, he started getting invited to events by the “popular” kids. Despite his rising star, Bill never left any of them behind though. They always came first. No matter what. He was always there whenever any of them needed anything. He was there whenever someone wouldn’t leave Bev alone. Well, more like he was there to make sure she didn't kill them. He was there for Stan when the pressure from his father started to get to him. And he was there for Eddie when he found out his mother would not accept the fact that he was gay.

 

         “What are you supposed to do?” He had asked Bill, tears running down his cheeks. “What do you do when your mom doesn't love you anymore?” Eddie knew very well by that point that his mother had done a lot of damage in his life. Bill had experience with parents whose love for him faded away. After they’d lost his younger brother, his parents hardly ever gave him the time of day, let alone loved him. “A mother does nothing but birth you. A mom loves you unconditionally and tries her fucking hardest to protect you help you be happy. They’re not always the same thing.” Not even one stutter. He must’ve thought about this a lot. Bill grabbed Eddie and held him in a tight hug and planted a kiss on the top of his head.

 

        That day was when Eddie realised the true extent of what he felt for Bill. There was no doubt in his mind. Eddie was in love with Bill. Maybe he always has been, maybe not. It’s not important. What’s important is that Eddie was in love with his straight best friend and he had no clue of what to do. How do you watch someone you’re in love with bang his way through the school? Never looking your way. Never giving you a second thought. He knows that he doesn't deserve Bill. No one person ever deserves another person’s attraction. Eddie knows this, but he still can’t seem to avoid loathing Bill’s new freak of the week whenever he swears that he’s “done sleeping around.” None of them ever actually mattered to Bill, so it was fine. That is, it was fine until junior year. When Bill met Audra Phillips. None of those girls ever mattered, until her.

 

        When Bill brought Audra to the Losers’ table outside the cafeteria, Eddie could already tell there was something different about this one. The way he played with her hair while they were talking. The way he would smile every time her special text sound went off. All those little things served the purpose of driving Eddie to somewhat of a breakdown. The breaking point came during a discussion of summer plans. Summer was always Eddie's favorite season because, you guessed it, he got to spend more time with Bill. The first six weeks of summer were always Eddie’s favorite time of year. All the other Losers had family to go see out of town, so he and Bill would have the first six weeks of summer to hang out alone.

 

        Memories came flooding back to him of falling asleep on Bill’s shoulder during movie marathons. Of Bill laying his head in Eddie's lap while they read comics. Of late nights where neither could sleep and they talked about everything and nothing. Bill holding him in a tight hug after he came out to him. Eddie doing the same for Bill whenever he dreamt of Georgie. Those were the best days of his life. Eddie smiled at the thought. His smile quickly melted away when Bill started talking.

 

        “Audra’s d-d-dad offered to t-take me on their v-v-v-v-fuck! Their vacation.” Bill finished in a much more strained voice than when he began his sentence.

 

        “We’re spending six weeks in Hawaii. It’s gonna be awesome!” Audra said enthusiastically. Eddie, however, was not very enthusiastic. He was gonna be alone. Six weeks alone. Alone with his mother. His mother who won't talk to him. Who doesn’t love him. Eddie could feel his throat start to close up in preparation for his oncoming panic attack. He slipped away from the group as they continued their conversation. His mother's voice echoed in his head. _I’ll feed you and house you, but you are no longer my son._ How could Bill leave him like this? Eddie found himself on the side of the building and took a seat against the wall. When he finally reached the lowest point, figuratively and literally, he allowed himself to cry. _After all we’ve been through. After everything we’ve faced together, I’m losing him to some girl._ And so Eddie did the only thing he could do, which was sit alone and cry his eyes out.

 

        Eddie looked up when he heard voices shouting his name. Stan and Beverly approached him and he looked up at them, making no attempt to hide what he’d been doing.

 

        “Eddie! What happened? What’s wrong?” Stan asked. “We were all wondering where you went. What’s going on?” Eddie sniffled and said nothing. Beverly crouched down and took his hand.

 

        “Are you alright Eds?” she asked in a softer voice. She squeezed his hand in an effort to comfort him. She helped him count out his breathing until it was back in control. He hadn’t felt any kind of motherly comfort in a very long time and it felt wonderful to have someone hold him like his mother used to do. He began to tremble as Beverly wrapped him in a warm, tight hug.

 

        “He’s leaving me Bev. He’s leaving me with her.” he whispered softly. “Wasn't _I_ enough for him Bev? _I_ love him. Isn’t that enough?” Beverly held him even tighter at his admission of his feelings. “What am I gonna do Bev? What am I supposed to do when I lose him forever?” Eddie felt another hand on his shoulder. He looked up from Beverly’s shoulder to see that Stan, who goes apeshit at the smallest amount of dirt on his clothes, has knelt down to comfort him as well.

 

         “The smartest thing I think you can do is just try to get away from him.” Stan said, as if it were that easy. “At least, for a little while. Until you're over him.” Stan’s advice was solid enough, so he tried to give it a shot. He started hanging out more with Stan and Beverly, seeing as they were the bearers of his secret. He didn’t talk as much to Bill at the lunch table. He avoided making plans to hang out with Bill as often as he could. He was trying so hard to kill the feelings inside him, but it destroyed him to see the sadness in Bill’s face whenever he cancelled plans or told him he was busy. But this is what he needed to do. He would see this through to the end. That is, he was going to see it through to the end until Bill showed up in his window.

 

        “Eddie open up! We need to talk!” Bill said, his voice muffled by the glass. Eddie hesitantly walked to his window and opened it up, helping Bill into his room. “I need y-you to t-t-tell me what I did. Why are you m-m-mad at me?”

 

        “Bill, I’m not m-” Eddie started

 

        “Oh, b-b-bullshit! You’ve been avoiding me for weeks! I m-m-missed you. I n-n-need you Eddie.” Bill said, voice cracking on his name. Eddie's trapped. Both now and in his overall life. Avoiding Bill was already killing him, but this? This dealt the final blow. Eddie can’t handle Bill feeling like this, especially when he’s the cause. He’ll just have to resign himself to his fate. He’ll just have to spend his days side by side with the boy who will never love him that he cares for so deeply. It’ll be torture, but there's no other way. He wraps Bill in a tight embrace and officially lets go of his own happiness.

 

         Their senior year comes and goes. Bill tries to set him up with various guys he knows, but none of them work out. Bill and Audra win prom King and Queen. Eddie cries himself to sleep that night. Eddie decides to go to school to become a nurse somewhere in Vermont. Bill and Audra decide to head up to New York for college together. Bill begged Eddie to apply there too, but Eddie finally found his escape and he didn't want to give it up just to wait around and pray that Bill will love him one day. Bill eventually pretended to understand.

 

        Bill and his girlfriend of two years were heading up to college the next day. Richie found some karaoke bar with a shitty enough bouncer that would let a bunch of 18 year olds in a private room so they could celebrate their last day together. Eddie chose this event to be the one where he finally let's his feelings out and then let's them go. They drank, they took turns singing the worst songs the bar offered for karaoke, and they had a wonderful time. Once everybody was hitting tipsy, Eddie decided to enact his plan. He took the CD Bev and Stan helped him make and put it in the player. Eddie turned to look at Bill, just Bill, and began to sing the song that would release him from his secret.

_“Coming from an endless place_  
_Heaven hits me when I see your face_  
_I go blind, every time_

_Hate to have to watch you go_  
_Thought I'd been through this_  
_Lord knows, I've been trying and I'm still trying,”_

        The music starts to kick in, a slower and steadier rhythm. Bill's smiling, impressed by Eddie's voice. Eddie swallows hard before he continues.

_“You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_

_But I would watch you, I would watch you_  
_Turn and walk away_  
_I would watch you, look right through me_  
_Right through every word that I say,”_

        At this point, Bill started to notice that Eddie had yet to break eye contact with him through the entire song. The smile he held fades.

_“He wants to know why_  
_He wants to know why_  
_I only want to know you_  
_I want to tell him_  
_I know the feeling_  
_This time I swear that I do_

_But I would watch you, I would watch you_  
_Turn and walk away_  
_Yes, I would watch you, learn to love you_  
_And her, too, if you'd only stay,”_

        A tear rolled down his cheek at the pain and truth in the last line. If Bill had pushed a bit more, Eddie would have gladly given up his own happiness just to keep Bill around. He would have learned to love Audra despite his own pain, just to keep his best friend.

_“But, you'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_  
_You'll never be mine_

_He wants to know why_  
_He wants to know why_  
_I only want to know you_  
_I want to tell him_  
_I know the feeling_  
_This time I swear that I do_  
_This time I swear that I do_  
_This time I swear that I do_

_But I will turn and walk away_  
_I will watch you turn and walk away,”_

        Eddie put down the microphone and tried to breathe normally. He looked around to see all the losers, his losers, heartbroken after that expression of his pain that he held deep inside him. He let himself cry for real before he makes his way out of the room.

 

        “Eddie!” Bill called out, but Eddie ran from their private room and out of the building, towards a lamp post out front. He leaned against it and tried to get a handle on his breathing. A hand rubbed his back slowly. Bill's voice calmly walked him through his attack, getting his breathing back in order. Bill was always the best at it. He's helped Eddie through more attacks than he can count, dating back to when they were kids.

 

        “I'm sorry,” Eddie choked out. “I know you love her, I just can't put myself through this anymore,” Bill embraced him tightly, stroking up and down his back. They separated and Bill looked Eddie in the eyes before pulling him into a kiss. It was warm and sweet and slow, but still passionate. Bill's hand on his cheek was cold and his lips were a bit chapped, but Eddie had never experienced anything warmer or smoother. They pulled apart and embraced again.

 

        “I'm sorry I didn't see you sooner,” Bill whispered to him. They went back to their room, feeling different. They finished the party. The next morning, Bill and Audra rode off in Bill's old hand-me-down car for New York. Eddie went home and laid in his bed and just thought about everything that happened. Those thoughts continued to run through his head as the days and weeks passed. He saw all the losers off before it was his own turn to leave. Tears were shed, hugs were given all around, and he got on his train.

 

        Several months later, Bill offered to pick Eddie up and they could drive back home together for Christmas. And when Bill showed up in his car alone, Eddie tried not to show all the feelings he had inside.


End file.
